I woke up in a hyper-sensitive mood today and just cried all day. I'm not pregnant (thank God), it's not even PMS --I checked the calendar-- so I can't blame it on more hormones, less brain cells. It's just too much on my plate from the Buffet of Bad Luck. Sometimes I think I should just go stay on a desert island until all my personalities integrate into one normal, psycho mama. A thin, normal, psycho mama. A rich, thin, normal, psycho mama.
Today was tough. Really, there is no sugar coating it, no Disney twist, no reason to trivialize it. It was a tough day for me and I make no apology. These feelings are mine and mine alone, this baggage is mine and mine alone... well, unless you really want it and then I will be HAPPY to let you have it ALL. Yup. I am not only THAT generous, I am willing to negotiate.
I went through the motions and went to a baby shower this morning where I had to bring my own Diet Coke and I was surrounded by beautiful women with perfect makeup, gorgeous nails and hair. I couldn't even complain because they were all soooo sweet and nice. (I think I was there to balance out the cosmos.) The food was fantastic, the salad amazing, the ceviche was so FABULOUS it eased the pain... I even won a game and got a cool prize, not some stupid, smelly lotion. Then in the evening I went to ANOTHER baby shower (WHAT is in the water here?) at the California Pizza Kitchen in Riverside where they have Pepsi and not Diet Coke. 10 women, again all beautiful and sweet and kind with perfect make up and nails. And me. Diet Coke-less.
I cried all the way home... I know it's stupid which made me cry more. I turned on the radio and listened to it play songs of heartbreak. I put a CD in. Tom Petty should be safe. Nope. High school, lost youth, lost waistline, regrets... and flashes of all those wonderful, perfect women today. More crying. I exit the freeway on Nason and as I round the corner my gauge light goes on and I think, oh crap. More money..... gotta get an oil change @ WalMart ASAP before I have a dry stick.
I cry more.
I get to the light and I think what the Hell, I am going to check Best Buy and see if Fringe is on sale. I want it, I NEED it, I'll put it on my mom's credit card and pay her back... oh, wait. Can't. With what money? My EBT card?
I turn at the light anyway and head for Best Buy where I park far enough away that I can stall and hopefully regain my good judgment. As I am walking into Best Buy, I think that this is truly the STUPIDEST thing I have ever done but I want Fringe so badly I am determined to check it out anyway. Like Dead Man Walking, I nod to the guy who has to wear a uniform but at least he has a job that he obviously doesn't appreciate because it shows in his lackluster hello to me. I look up, stop DEAD in my tracks and the biggest smile lights up my face, so big that minimum wage guy looks to see what I am staring at.
It's Chantal. OMG, it's Chantal. I am gonna be OK.
I stand there until she looks up from the customer service line and notices me. She grins. I grin. The Best Buy employees grin.
We do the girl thing and hug. I smile. I hug her again. She smiles. She hugs me again. The employees smile but they don't hug.
We chat for a moment which is code for I spill my guts and try not to cry in the middle of Best Buy. Her eyes well up, my eyes well up, the employees eyes just close because they are tired and want to go home. No sympathy on my part since they have a paying job even if they have to wear a lame uniform.
I go to the restroom while she finishes her exchange. When I return she tells me she looked for Fringe and found it for $49.99. Damn. That's more expensive than Target or WalMart. We stand in the aisle and talk some more which, again, is code for I ramble like a crazed woman, trying not to cry and she nods encouragingly to me trying not to cry herself. I wander the aisles and look for Fringe, Season 1. Why do I want this so bad, Chantal? Because you want to escape reality for as long as you can, she tells me. I can accept that, I tell her. Works for me.
And there it is. Fringe. Season 1. $9.99. No way. Not possible.
Chantal double checks the price for me. Oh, she says, I looked at the wrong one. The Blue Ray. It's all good, Chantal. The clouds part, angels sing and I smile. Big. I have $8 cold, hard cash in my pocket.... ummm, is the Bank of Chantal open? She smiles. Sure is. Lucky me.
We grab two ice cold Diet Cokes w/great expiration dates and go to the register FAST before someone changes the price. We pay and two minutes later, I not only have a cold Diet Coke, I have Fringe and Chantal, the greatest therapist on the planet. I hear a chorus of angels singing Hallelujah again.
Chantal and I go outside and talk FOREVER in the dark parking lot, freezing our butts off but she is such a good friend that she continues to listen as she turns into a Popsicle. I don't even notice she is blue because I am so busy crying and spilling my guts then laughing while acting out the story of Mr. Silver Lexus. I tell the only-woman-in-the-world-I-would-leave-my-husband-for who makes all my ramblings into something intelligent, who validates my feelings, who has the guts to tell me BS, I am only kidding myself... I tell her EVERYTHING until I feel sane, until my planets line up back in their order, until I am OK. Everyone should be so lucky to have a Chantal in their life. And no, I don't share.
We cry. We smile. We hug. Best Buy closes. There is a reason for everything. I head home feeling THAT much lighter, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, fueled by the wisdom and faith of Chantal. I am gonna be OK.